Friday, March 27, 2009

32 Days Exactly

I've printed out the letter. This is going to be the most risky thing to do in my life. go jobless in the time of economic crisis. but somehow im hopeful that it will give me some positive outcome. emotionally and psychically. the thing is i didnt see it as a very dangerous move, i see it as an escape for myself. not eternal, but a temporarily. i see it as a time in my life where i can re-organized everything around me.

first thing first. my long overdue vacation. im going to langkawi.
eat healthier food. wake up earlier in the morning. get better sleep at night. play the basketball. jump into the pool. jog around. write some songs. record some tunes. read some books. (i've got some books that i bought 2 years ago
, and i didnt manage to finish it, i started working 2 years ago. i know its a dumb excuse, but really, since i started working i rarely have the mood to read).

now wish me luck. this time i've got the balls to play the high risk game. its wether i achieve something positive to help me get back to the norm with a smile or i screw up, cant find the meaning and answers that i've been searching and cant get back to the norm before my bank notes run out.

and for people who ask me to pray. im sorry, i dont pray, i just do things. prayers are for weaklings who cant get things done by their own hands. plus, what religion should i pray to if i wanna pray? south park?

catch you guys on the other side of the moon. 32 days from now on.


Thursday, March 12, 2009


before i walk into the house today, i told myself, tearing is the last thing people really need when it comes to life and death.

its better to put a smile on the face for departing soul to remember.

i kept giving you smiles that i assumed could whisper to your ears and tell you "everything is going to be fine".

i sat in the room and played tunes that you've never heard before, hoping that it can somehow stay in your soul wherever you may go.

but it cuts me deep when i look into your eyes knowing that you understood what is happening.

it cuts me deep when i see you no longer can run to me and start a gun & barks fight.

the last time i ever cried was 28th May 2007. that was when i found I've lost grip of a person who i care the most.

its takes a lot punching to my ego to allow tears to drop from my eyes.

i guess my eyes felt its necessary today. the wall of my ego fell.

i remember how blank you looked the first time i taught you the gun trick, and yet, a week later i found you've totally understood what i was trying to teach.

you might not be able to read these alphabets or understand these words, but you have empathy towards the people, better than any human being.

the image of me feeding you your last treats will forever stuck in my head. i wish you weren't just lying there licking bit by bit of the ice cream. i wish you came barked and snatched the ice cream from me.

although i feel a lot of human being in this world deserve to leave the globe more than you. i hope you're in a better place now.



Sunday, March 8, 2009

im going to leave you

23 more days until i hand in the freedom letter.

53 more days until i leave the haunted place.

Indefinite time to do what i wanted to do.

Hey, definition of life by the norm, im going to leave you.


Well, fuck you, i dont love you.


not everything

20 minutes ago, for the third time, i tried to fix my broken acoustic guitar. Its my first guitar anyway.

When the bridge first broken, i tried to mend it, i didnt manage to. Then few weeks later, i tried to fix it with glue, it didnt work either, but i still keep it, try to play it once in awhile, even tried record something with it, although it cant stay in tune very well and it sounded pretty awful because of the broken wood.

So 20 minutes ago, while i was about to go to sleep, i looked at it and decided to give it one more try. What i thought was

"hmm, since the sound is already fucked because of the broken wood, why not just screw over the thing to stabilize the bridge?"
Well, it didnt work either, the bridge still floats.

Then i realized, not everything thats broken can be fixed. In fact alot of things, we just cant fix it. No matter how hard we try.

My first guitar has ended.

Suddenly this song came to my mind.

"I came here, I waited , To see it, to say this , What started on fourth street is finished " by Sara Lov


Tuesday, March 3, 2009

if there's a future, i'll be there. no worries.

First of all, lets watch this

Well, i've decided to resign from my job on 1st april 2009. If nothing goes wrong in between, my last day in the office would be 1st May 2009, and i'll go to Langkawi on the night of 1st May 2009. For a couple of days. To take a rest from this 2 years and 8 months of work, and all the problems that comes in between. I'll be taking a break that i've always wished to have.

For people, who think i've given up, you're wrong. I dont need motivation, people who truly know me would know im a highly motivated person. Taking a break doesnt mean i'll be gone forever. If there's a future, i'll be there. No worries.